Earlier this year, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the Department of War would restrict academic ties with Tufts University, along with nearly two dozen other top universities. Military fellowships at Tufts have been cancelled for the next academic year amid the department’s campaign against anti-American values. Mr. Hegseth said that the universities have “replaced the study of victory and pragmatic realism with the promotion of wokeness and weakness.”
In just a month, Tufts has found itself blacklisted by the United States government and the Russian government, following Russia’s designation of Tufts as an “undesirable organization.” It has left some students, like sophomore Francis Benedict, wondering “if Tufts is actually based after all.”
In response to the department’s changes, the university has announced an initiative to introduce a “lethality-based curriculum” into the academic programming. In a campus-wide email, President Sunil Kumar unveiled the establishment of a new center, “The Center for Expanding Violence in Higher Education,” which will be headed by Associate Professor of German Language Josef Bundy and assisted by former Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. Noem joined the program out of hope that she could bring her successes in Minneapolis to university campuses to get back into the good graces of the administration. Mr. Bundy told The Tufts Tribune that the lethality program would prepare students for the challenges of the 21st century, citing a prayer about the joys of war from the Gospel of Saint Tarantino.
JT Duck, Tufts Dean of Admissions, announced that the university would seek to enroll a greater number of sociopaths and students with violent histories. “In an effort to encourage a diverse group of students to apply to Tufts, we are offering admitted students a free Ford F-150,” Duck told the Tribune. “It has worked for army recruitments, so we believe that we will see an uptick in unstable men applying to the university.” In lieu of SAT scores, the university will also begin accepting CS:GO and Call of Duty rankings.
As a part of the program, Tufts will also increase the prevalence of “hazardous obstacles” around campus. To encourage strength among students, the university will cease salting the roads and sidewalks during snowstorms, undercook the chicken even more at Dewick, engineer deadlier mold strains in the showers, and deploy 200 rabid squirrels on the academic quad. Noem has also ordered an end to the TUPD support dogs. In an effort to prevent students from jaywalking or cutting corners on sidewalks, ROTC students will be instructed to carry AR-15s in order to “keep the peace.”
The physics department also announced they are developing a uranium enrichment program in that unsettling building on Boston Avenue with machinery that is always releasing smoke. The announcement, however, caught the ire of U.S. President Donald Trump, who announced on Truth Social that the United States would “wipe out an entire university” if Tufts didn’t capitulate to his demands for Commons Marketplace to take meal swipes. In response, TUPD has acquired two F-35s and has pledged to close Carm if the President intervenes. It is unclear how the situation will resolve, but for now, Boston and College avenues are on complete lockdown, awaiting the President’s next ominous Frank Sinatra post.