Ask João is a column with a devoted following of college students who start every morning by reading the gospel according to João. He has made all of the mistakes so you don’t have to. To submit questions for advice in a future issue of the Tufts Tribune email tuftstribune@gmail.com.
Dear João: My roommate has been a pain in the ass recently. Sometimes she stays up late watching YouTube, WITHOUT HEADPHONES, when she knows I have an 8:00am lab in the morning. And every weekend her boyfriend stays the night and they…ya’know…WHILE I AM IN THE ROOM. I have tried to talk to her about all of this and it seems to go nowhere. What should I do?—Annoyed Roommate, Hill Hall
Dear Annoyed Roommate: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your life coach. I could easily suggest that you request a room change, but such a solution would hinder your roommate from understanding the error in her ways, indurating an obstacle to her virtue. Therefore, it falls upon you to take matters into your own hands and to shepherd her toward more appropriate behavior.
You must reinforce the behavior you desire of your roommate while discouraging her visceral inclinations. Whenever your roommate watches YouTube late at night with headphones, give her a Twix. Hopefully, this solution will result in quiet nights and zero diabetes diagnoses (although it only takes one to get you!).
Whenever she and her boyfriend are in your chambers and engaging in unholy acts, you must be the salt of the earth. Once they blare their spermatozoan ululations from the other side of the room, make a balsam composed of three parts holy water and one part vinegar and spray it on their backs. You can also combine this method with the Twix approach by giving your roommate a treat whenever she spends the night at her boyfriends’.
These methods have worked for eons, and they will indubitably be successful in correcting your roommate’s behavior. If a fruit was sufficient to deceive Eve, think of the immanent potential in a Twix bar.
Sincerely,
João
Dear João: I have been crushing on this girl in my Econ class for a while…the problem is she has so many other guys that are interested in her and I don’t stick out in any way. What can I do to separate myself from the competition? How can I leave a good impression? —Hopeless Romantic, Miller Hall
Dear Hopeless Romantic: Do not fear, for I am with you! All the other boys will employ the traditional tactics: they may call her beautiful, buy her flowers, or take her out for a nice dinner. But you, my blessed freshman, are different. Victories are sparse in between.
First, you will add her father on LinkedIn and study his field of work carefully for a few weeks—perhaps auditing a course on the subject—all while liking his posts. For example, if he is in finance, you must, at the very least, understand the market’s volatility and be up to date on the Shenzhen Stock Exchange.
Once some time has passed, you will call the secretary at his office and apply for an unpaid internship. Hopefully, the next steps are as discernible as they are inevitable.
After a couple of semesters interning for her father (do not let the Devil incite precipitancy in your soul, Ephebe!), tacitly mention to him that you go to Tufts. With another year of interning, slip him a little note describing how grateful you are for the job and for meeting his daughter that one day in econ. Citing a cute Bible verse, like Ezekiel 23:19-20, should do the job.
When she goes home for spring break of your junior year, her father will inevitably ask if she has ever considered dating you. When she replies, “Who?” he will scold her for not noticing such a thoughtful young man. She may be initially confused about what is happening, but by the time she returns to Tufts, she will realize the error of her ways, and it will only be a matter of time until you two consummate your Holy Matrimony and produce offspring.
Sincerely,
João