Ask João is a column with a devoted following of college students who start every morning by reading the gospel according to João. He has made all of the mistakes so you don’t have to. To submit questions for advice in a future issue of The Tufts Tribune, email tuftstribune@gmail.com. This is the third volume of Ask João.
Dear João:
I am a first-semester freshman and I am seeking advice on course selections for the spring. I don’t know what I want to major in, and it is causing me a lot of stress. I want to get a true, well-rounded liberal arts education at Tufts, so anything that can achieve that aim I would be interested in taking. Please give me some recommendations!
—Course Curious Freshman
Dear Course Curious Freshman,
Do not fear, for I have researched for you. As I revealed in the last edition of Ask João, I have returned to Tufts after graduating in the spring and am seeking to obtain every undergraduate degree offered by the university. Therefore, I feel well equipped to provide you with course recommendations. Your goal to receive a well rounded liberal arts education can be best achieved by taking courses that fulfill the three parts of your brain: the id, ego, and superego. To fulfill the subconscious, Nietzschean id that seeks immediate pleasure you should take “Ancient Natural Disasters.” For students that were particularly enthralled in middle school by Instagram car crash compilations and LiveLeak factory deaths, this course will provide a “crash” course on where it all started. For the ego, which helps with decision making and mediates your id’s desires and moral impulses, you should take “Serving a Healthy Diet.” It was in this course where I developed my rigorous GOMAD Diet (Gallon of Milk a Day) where I ingest raw milk supplemented with teaspoons of olive oil, creatine, and Red Bull cans throughout the day. I attribute my resounding imaginative success to this diet. And for the superego, the part of your psyche that contains your moral compass, you should enroll in “Deviance and Conformity” in the sociology department. This is the perfect course to prove right all of your Fox News father’s fears about indoctrination, as it will prepare you for a life as a New York City liberal elite.
And as a bonus, I would recommend taking a course that combines all three aspects of the mind and forms a spiritual connection with the body. For this one I would recommend “3D Printing the Human Body” which culminates in an interactive research project where you can print an organ of your choosing. This is perfect for the gentlemen out there who are looking to add a few inches to their wenis. For the unenlightened, I am referring to the patch of skin over your elbow, which I’ve been told is a highly sensitive organ by my more avuncular friends.
Dear João:
All of my friends have already decided where they are going abroad next year and I feel left out! I feel too basic picking Spain or France like everyone else, but I am scared of going somewhere that doesn’t speak a language I already know. I am studying English and Philosophy, so ideally I would like to go somewhere where I can take courses that are relevant to my majors. Please help me decide!
—Study Abroad Scared Sophomore
Dear Study Abroad Scared Sophomore,
Be not dismayed, for I have traveled the world in your name. I understand intimately the concerns that plague your mind at this moment of indecision. Lucky for you, I attended a program during my first undergraduate degree that fulfills the exact needs you have described. Oxford college offers an intellectually stimulating and thought provoking experience for students. Their philosophy department is world renowned, and features notable alumni including Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar. The campus is renowned for its architecture and students are known to spend time in the historic, colonial towns. And most importantly, all of the courses are taught in English. I can not recommend enough the program at Oxford College at Emory University in the great state of Georgia.