Like a phoenix from the ashes, I have returned to Tufts University! I know you have all missed the word and wisdom of the Apostle João, and I am pleased to announce that I am back for another semester.
In May, I graduated with a degree in computer science and a minor in finance. My plan was to work on Wall Street for a few years, managing mutual funds and leveraging human capital and cash-flow synergy to recalibrate workflow toward maximizing shareholder value. On the side, I would invest in real estate, low-yield government bonds from Djibouti, and rug pull meme coins. This would have set me up excellently to retire in my twenties and have ample leisure time to read my favorite books, like The 48 Laws of Power, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius.
Unfortunately for my plan, my applications to Morgan Stanley, CitiGroup, Google, and others were rejected on the basis that my summer internships of yard sale flipping, making mock 2024 Electoral College maps, and betting on natural disasters on Polymarket did not meet their arbitrary criteria of experience.
I was hoping that my mother would not notice my prolonged presence in the house, but unfortunately, the “special” cable subscription charges ratted me out. And so I found myself lying at the foot of my childhood bed, toiling over my lint jar, when I asked God for an answer. He delivered. I realized: What do all university students do when they can’t get a job and enter the real world? Go back to school!
At first, I thought I should apply for a masters or Ph.D. program. After all, I had received numerous postcards about Tufts’s 4+1 Master’s Degree program, which seemed like a brilliant way to spend $95,110. But this would only cover me for 1 year, and I needed a plan for a lifetime. So I have decided to embark on a journey I have dubbed, “The World’s Most Educated Man,” where I will complete every degree offered at Tufts University. I am beginning my journey with civic studies, a perfect starting point, because the employment rate is already 0% for graduates.
I have even discovered a loophole in our student loan system that will allow me to continue my indefinite education at no cost. I only sign onto subsidized student loans, where you do not have to pay any of the interest that accrues while you are still in school. So long as I remain a student at Tufts, I will never have to pay a dime back to Caesar!
Throughout my journey, I plan to engage in all of the activities I missed out on during my first go-around and to chronicle them here. I have already rushed ATO and received a bid in absolutely no part whatsoever due to my connections with the Tufts Tribune leadership. I have also heard about the new Center for Expanding Viewpoints in Higher Education, and I realized that there is a severe lack of representation for Whig Party viewpoints at Tufts, so I will embark on a mission to uplift these marginalized voices. And I have already begun searching for the “Taylor” to my “Travis,” the “Nicole Brown” to my “OJ,” as I seek tender love at Tufts. I have found the best strategy is to follow-request girls who’ve posted on the Tufts Class of 2029 Instagram account and connect with their dads on LinkedIn (refer to first ‘Ask João’ for the complete strategy!)”
If you have a question and would like to receive advice from me, email our editors at daily@tuftsdaily.com for a chance to have your question answered in the next issue of The Tufts Tribune.